Don’t Pass Down Your Food & Body Image Baggage: 5 Rules To Raise Your Kids By
Like most moms, mine occasionally gives me unsolicited advice about my appearance.
Over the years, she has politely questioned the black lug-sole loafers I wore with nice dresses, my four-sizes-too-big blazer, and the extra-messy bun I put my hair in for a family wedding.
Hey, it was the 90’s! But for the record, she was right on all three accounts.
But my mom never mentioned my weight.
She never eyed my hips and suggested a smaller helping of pasta, even when I returned home from Freshman year of college with 15 extra pounds on my 5’1” frame.
She never talked about her weight either.
She has always been petite, so maybe it’s no surprise she never griped about it. But as we know, plenty of people in all sizes of bodies agonize over goal weights, deny themselves enough food, and complain about their belly.
But in my house, weight was never mentioned. No one was on a diet. While so many of the girls I knew were counting calories and calling themselves fat, home was a safe haven away from that kind of self-loathing.
Not only did my mom never talk about her weight, but she also never talked about foods being “good” or “bad”. We almost always had home-baked goodies, potato chips, and ice cream stocked in the kitchen. We also always had home-cooked meals every night, vegetables from the garden, and fresh fruit in the crisper drawer.
But when I gained that weight in college, my mom knew I wasn’t happy about it–because I told her.
So at my request, she helped me cover the cost of seeing a local dietitian, who taught me that bagels, waffles, pizza crust, pretzels, and cereal were indeed all in the same food group, and that I’d do well to occasionally incorporate some vegetables and protein into the mix.
That dietitian also sparked my interest in nutrition, which eventually led me to become a dietitian too.
So I’m grateful.
A lot of women weren’t so lucky.
Over the years, I’ve heard stories of parents weighing and measuring food, withholding dessert, and requiring after-dinner exercise to burn off calories.
I’ve heard of households where diet talk was rampant, where weight loss plans were posted on the fridge, and where praise was given only to those with smaller portions and smaller bodies.
Research has shown that growing up in a home with dieting and negative talk about bodies and food really hurts kids, not just in the moment but also long term. People who grow up in a diet-centric environment are more likely to feel dissatisfied with their body and weight.
How to put your kid on a positive path
As a parent, you play a powerful role in your child’s views on weight, dieting, and eating (and FYI: boys can develop a negative body image and disordered eating just like girls can!). Here are five rules to raise your kids by.
1. Keep body talk positive.
Don’t talk about your weight (or your child’s weight) or bemoan the size of your thighs. Instead, talk about how your strong legs helped you hike the mountain or run a 5K.
When your child inevitably comments on someone’s body in public, acknowledge that there are all kinds of bodies–and that all bodies are good and worthy bodies. Bonus: Say enough positive things about your own body and you’ll internalize those thoughts, which just might quiet your inner critic.
Read: Life Is Too Short To Worry About a Muffin Top and How To Accept And Love Your “Body After Baby”
2. Green-light all foods.
There are no “good” foods and “bad” foods. You aren’t “good” for ordering the veggie plate or “bad” for eating pie. And kids shouldn’t grow up with a list of “good” and “bad” foods in their head. They shouldn’t connect their own goodness with what they’re eating.
These labels are especially confusing for kids, who may be genuinely afraid that they’re “bad” for liking and wanting cookies and chips. Most kids love sweets, yet parents may talk about sugar as being “bad” or kids being “good” if they ate fruit instead of cookies for dessert. (And don’t get me started on parents telling their kids that organic lollipops are “good” but regular ones are “bad”. Talk about confusing!)
If you grew up with diets and lists of foods that were off-limits, you might struggle with this, and that’s okay. This is your chance to break the cycle, and it can take some self-work.
Read: How to Legalize All Foods and How Intuitive Eating Can Help You Make Peace With Food
3. Let kids control their portion.
Offer a variety of foods at mealtime and allow your kids (if they’re able) to serve themselves, letting them eat the foods and amounts they want.
Some research has shown that restricting how much kids eat–especially “forbidden” foods like desserts and salty snacks–can backfire, causing some children to crave them even more (and to even sneak or overeat them as a result).
Demands like “eat two more bites” are also unhelpful, interfering with your kids’ natural ability to recognize their own hunger and fullness (imagine your partner insisting that you take two more bites when you’re feeling stuffed!).
Read: Should You Make Kids Take Just One Bite? and What To Do If Your Kid Won’t Eat Dinner
4. Make changes together.
Any tweaks related to food or exercise should be positive and involve the whole family–like more after-dinner walks or more fresh fruit on the counter. Nobody should be singled out with a weight-loss diet, food restrictions and rules, or extra exercise.
5. Don’t panic about your kid’s body.
Over the years, you’ll watch your child’s body grow and change–and there may be moments you worry. Talk to the pediatrician (privately), who can tell you if your child is following their growth curve–and if not, what might be going on. For instance, many kids gain pounds before inches leading up to a growth spurt.
But no matter where your child lands, it’s crucial to accept their body, which may be bigger, smaller, shorter, or taller than you thought it would be. Kids should feel loved and appreciated for who they are, not for the size of their bodies.
Love this post. This is on my mind a lot as I grew up with disordered eating, and am trying to raise my 6-year old daughter to have a healthy relationship with food and her body.
Thank you Kelly. Instilling that healthy relationship is so important but such a hard job, especially for moms of daughters. I’m sure your past experiences and your determination will go a long way in creating a good environment for her at home.
Not sure what I love better, the picture or the post. Such a great and important reminder. Good job mom!
Thanks Katie. Yes, that photo is a gem. That’s me in full teen boredom, clad in Gap.
totally totally agree. My mom never obsessed about her wait or ours and I think that made for such a positive influence that other girls don’t have. We happiliy ate dessert every night and no one passed judgment on others. But we also always had balanced dinners and plenty of play time.
Also, that picture is great Sally!
Thanks Heather! We had dessert every night too growing up too, usually home-baked. 🙂
Such a great post. My upbringing was the complete opposite. I remember my twin brother and I keeping ourselves occupied at the local HoJo’s while my mom went to some mysterious meeting room for her weekly Weight Watchers weigh in. We always got coffee-flavored soft-serve cones as a treat for behaving. We also had pantries filled with Nutrisystem boxes, SnackWell cookies, etc. and bookshelves of the latest diet plans. I never liked my body (until relatively recently) and was the only one of the kids in my family without some kind of eating disorder. I make it a point never to use the word “diet” unless I’m talking about regular eating (as in: yeah, ice cream is a critical part of my diet) and to only talk about bodies to my kids in a way such as, “you have strong legs” and “yeah, my belly sticks out because I had the joy of carrying you there before you were born.”
Elana–thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sure that has shaped your work in nutrition and sounds like it’s definitely shaped how you talk to your kids. I love viewing a belly as a badge of honor for carrying babies. I’m going to start thinking about it that way too. Thank you so much for your comment!
This is so reminiscent! My mother also took things in stride, never over-reacted to food. Meal time was compulsory, that was understood and there were no excuses. Otherwise there was not fussing about food or snacks. Now I find myself wondering how I’ve become fixated with food. I spend way too much time posing food and instagramming it without even thinking about why I do it. When did food become such an obsession with us and why are we all struggling to maintain reasonable weight? What do we not know that mom and grandma knew? Whatever it is we are doing doesn’t seem to be working.
I find this so difficult. I am not overweight but my daughter is. My husband (who still has terrible eating habits) comes from a family where all the women have had gastric bypass and still are severely obese because they keep their terrible eating habits. So I have a daughter who is 9 and sneaks food (I follow Ellyn Satter and everyone else) and is gaining weight at a tremendous rate. I have given up. I am not supposed to mention it. I put something sweet in her lunch and we have dessert a couple times a week but she still finds things my husband has and she gorges at her friends house. There is food everywhere at school. I can’t compete against a culture.
So I continue not saying anything and I can only hope that someday she will realize that she does it for herself but I don’t know if it will be too late then.
Christine–I’m so sorry you are feeling so discouraged about this, and I can understand your frustration, especially with the current food culture. Have you considered seeing a registered dietitian or a feeding therapist? If your daughter is gaining weight rapidly and sneaking food, you might find it helpful to talk with someone who specializes in pediatric nutrition or feeding. Please don’t hesitate to email me if you need some direction or names! realmomnutrition@gmail.com
Love this picture and what beautiful post!
Thanks Natalia!
I love this post!
Thank you Emily!
I agree, and I was also a lucky one whose mother did not stress on the F word. In our house with two small children (ages 2 and 6), we hardly use the F word related to what we eat, but we do stress healthy eating in conversation. that includes eating too much sugar is bad for our health, and we do not eat fast food we see on commercial. But then I wonder sometimes if they are getting too much information at this young age. Both my husband I are very health conscious. I am a health coach, and he is a martial arts teacher. We talk a lot about being and eating healthy. I am pregnant with the hired child and was told that my blood sugar level was elevated. So, I have been eating according to the guideline that was given to me and I stay away from everything sweet. My daughter hear the conversation between my husband and I about this, and now “polices” me when she sees me eating something new. “Mom, that might raise your blood sugar level”, ” are you sure you can eat that?”, “you cannot eat that, I saw it on commercial!!!”. My 2 year old tells me when I ask her what she is making in her toy kitchen, “I am making organic”. I do hope that they are getting education and not developing phobia…
Thanks for your comment. There’s certainly a fine line between teaching kids healthy habits and creating worries and anxieties surrounding food. As a parent, I feel the pull between wanting to raise kids who are informed about food and yet NOT wanting them to obsess about food. I want them to enjoy all foods but understand what foods make them feel the best. I think the fact that you are concerned about your kids developing healthy attitudes about food means that you will most likely help them develop those healthy attitudes! 🙂 As parents, we don’t always say the right thing in the moment (I know I don’t!) and sometimes I have to go back and clarify things or make sure my kids aren’t interpreting something the wrong way. It’s okay to have those talks with your kids if you worry they are being anxious about food. Teaching kids about food is certainly a work in progress!
This is great!! Love that you had such a wonderful example. <3
Thank you Paige! I feel very lucky.
Such a great post Sally, and what a beautiful ode to your mother. My parents, siblings and I were all healthy weights and my mom cooked balanced meals pretty much every night, didn’t force us to eat it and often made me something else like chicken nuggets or spaghetti since I was a picky eater, sugar cereal was always allowed and the junk drawer was always full. No food was off limits (other than non-kosher food items for religious reasons), yet there was often and still is talk about good and bad foods and comments of “I shouldn’t have eaten that,” which I know shaped how I thought about food and my body when I went through my teenage and college years. I made a point of telling my mother she cannot say those things in front of my girls and I have to remind her of that frequently. I don’t speak to my girls that way and I even get upset when my father in law calls one of them the “little one” and the other the “big one” since they are different sizes despite being twins. I of course can’t control what they will hear from other girls at school or women eating lunch together, but I’m doing my best to prevent them from hearing it at home. I hope one day my girls will feel thankful to me like you are to your mother!
Thank you Jessica! You are so right that you can’t control what your kids hear from other people about body image and food but as parents, we are such a powerful and strong influence. I love that you’re so focused on creating that healthy environment at home. That will give your girls such a good start in life!
This is powerful! I am so thankful to my parents for being the same way. Which I think is why sometimes it is a mystery to me why food is so complicated for people. I hope that as a dietitian, I am can help make it uncomplicated.
Thanks Katy. That’s a great goal. I think eating has become so confusing and fraught with guilt and other emotions for many people!
SO thankful for this, because my mom never did either. She was confident in the way her body was made. She was joyful about it, and she never talked about it. It was such a gift.
This post is so inspiring – I hope I can be a mother like your’s, who gives their children a health outlook on food and body image. What a lovely post dedicated to your mum – she definitely had the right attitude to food a balanced diet consisting of everything in moderation! I am still trying to find this balance after many years of suffering with anorexia.
Hi Natasha–thank you so much, and I’m glad you enjoyed my post! I’m glad you are working on finding a balance, it can be hard for everyone so be kind to yourself. 🙂
My mother only occasionally talked about her weight. She never talked about mine. I grew up on a farm and was very active. I was never “skinny”. I was, however, stalky. Not dumpy or really overweight, but I had muscle from working on the farm. My home was a safe haven. School on the other had, was not. I was bullied from a young age. I did become obsessed with my weight in my early 20’s because of it. Now, I emphasize healthy eating and activity in my home. My daughter doesn’t hear about “how fat I am”. She hears me talk and teach about processed foods and what to eat vs. what not to eat in excess. I appreciate my mom’s modeling of not body shaming.
Kimberly–I’m sorry to hear you were bullied and became preoccupied with your weight as a young adult. But sounds like you’re taking a healthy approach with your own daughter.
What about “sometimes” and “always” foods, instead of good and bad?
Hi DH–I think it’s reasonable to have age-appropriate conversations with kids like this. I’ve talked to my kids about this over the years. The key is not to demonize anything–but teaching (and modeling) balance is, in my opinion, important.