My Post-40 Weight Gain Frustrations

Lately I’ve been having the same conversation over and over again with my friends who, like me, are in their 40s. It goes something like this: “I’ve gained a little bit of weight this year and ohmygod no matter what I do I just. can’t. lose. it.”

Dear reader, if you are in your 30s or (bless your heart) your 20s, take a moment to appreciate your metabolism and give thanks to your ability to drop a few pounds by drinking one less cocktail on the weekends. Because I’m sorry to report, but things go awry in your 40s.

My husband and I, who now gripe to each other about minor health complaints like cliched curmudgeons, have both taken steps to stop the weight creep. I nixed sweets during the week. He stopped adding sugar to the multiple cups of coffee he drinks daily. He runs three times a week without fail. We’ve both curtailed evening snacking.

The dramatic result: Nothing.

Sometimes, like when I’m in a dressing room at the mall trying on pants, frustration starts to bubble up. And I begin to catastrophize. If I can’t shed the handful of pounds I gained this year and gain more the next year and the next and the next…I’ll be up 30 by the time we’re dropping our oldest at college!

So I formulate a plan to really buckle down and get serious: I will eat my burgers on lettuce leaves instead of buns, spiralize zucchini in place of pasta, and abstain when we take the boys to the ice cream shop. I will give up cheese. I will stop making homemade bread. And pie. I will strip my diet of all starches and sugar. Maybe I will go Paleo. Or vegan. I’ll do that Gwyneth Paltrow cleanse. And start recording every morsel that passes my lips with one of those calorie-tracking apps.

But then I feel sad and exhausted just thinking about this hypothetical life where I’m five pounds lighter but living without blue cheese, strawberry rhubarb pie, and spaghetti. My children are getting older, and I finally have time to talk to my husband, read a book for pleasure, and enjoy a leisurely meal. I don’t want to spend this phase of life fighting with every calorie and carb. And for what? To wear the expensive jeans on the top shelf of my closet that I bought after I had the stomach flu and have never been able to fit into again?

So I resolve to be sane and good to myself and I formulate another plan: I will try and make exercise a priority. I will keep eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. I will strive to eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. I will choose foods that make me feel the best, physically and mentally, and avoid the ones that don’t. I will enjoy the foods that life has to offer, including but not limited to crusty, home baked bread and a scoop of mint chocolate chip on a hot day. I will occasionally overdo it, but won’t beat myself up. I’ll stop wishing for the metabolism of a 25 year old and start feeling grateful for the rich, full life of a 43 year old.

And I will stop trying on any pair of pants that has the word “skinny” in their description. (Seriously, why do I keep torturing myself?)

Anyone else out there have post-40 weight gain frustrations?

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51 Comments

  1. Ummm, yes but I noticed it this year just after I turned 38 🙁 I’ve always been able to pretty much eat what I want. If I notice the scale creeping up by a few pounds, I buckle down for a couple days on exercise and diet and get back to my happy place. Not this time! I know the scale isn’t everything, but I”m starting to panic a little bit, lol. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life drinking black coffee and avoiding chocolate chip cookies.

    1. Sorry to hear you’re experiencing the same thing Meghan. And I understand the panic. It’s frustrating when the same old tricks don’t work anymore!

    2. Our bodies work in funny ways. There is no much anyone can do when the genetic predisposition is too strong. There are those very slim people who never get fat no matter how much they eat, I guess the same goes for people who are genetically predisposed to grow fat, and more so when they become less active.

  2. So, here’s what nobody ever knows about what it’s like to grow up as “the fat kid” — this is how I’ve felt my whole life. I’ve always been that girl that could gain weight from nothing and have to move mountains to lose it. I’ve struggled with some serious emotional issues around this whole scenario, but have finally come to terms with the fact that my DNA just isn’t meant to be lean. I can be skinny – if I starve. But I’m too old and tired — and like you, longing too much to enjoy my life to do that. So my approach has been as you have found… Exercise is a priority. Period. Not because I think I will ever be svelte, but because it’s the best way to ensure sanity AND that I might actually stave off morbid obesity 🙂

    1. Regan–thanks for your perspective and for sharing that. I’m so glad for you that you’ve found a good balance and you sound like you have a very healthy attitude, which I know you bring to your work as an RD. I have a feeling that staying active is going to play an increasingly important role in my life as I get older. Thanks for the reminder that it also has a fringe benefit: helping us all stay sane!

      1. I’m with Regan! As the former fat girl, I’ve been eating less than everybody else my whole life. It’s just getting harder and harder post 40. Whereas it used to be about 100 calories packs of sugary stuff that’s 100 calories, now it’s much more about nourishing food. Thanks for bringing up this very real conversation. 🙂

  3. I am post 40 and totally get what you are saying. I wrote about coming to piece with my body here http://www.raisehealthyeaters.com/2014/06/how-im-learning-to-love-my-imperfect-body/

    I have come to realize that some weight gain as you get older may actually be good for you. That is if it isn’t the result of changed habits like being less active and stress eating. My realization was that my health was good — all my numbers good. Like you said, I could put all my energy in losing 5 pounds but for what? I’d rather enjoy the simple pleasures as you say. And I think the restrict/overeat cycle would just cause more weight gain. Thanks for bringing up such an important topic…more needs to be said about it!

    1. Maryann–thanks for your comment and for sharing that post. I really love this part: “If I’m 100% honest with myself, losing weight at this point in my life would not be for my health, it would be for attention. To be the mom who gets compliments like “I can’t believe you’ve had two kids and are (gulp) over 40.” But luckily with my new eyes, that desire to look perfect has faded the same way smoke does after a fire. What has changed me is two things: children and time. I know that no matter what my children look like, I will think they are the most beautiful people on earth. How can I treat myself so differently than how I treat them? This amazing love, no doubt, has helped put to rest that girl who wanted the wrong kind of attention, for all the wrong reasons. Why was she so hard to let go of? And with time — and the hard life lessons like losing loved ones — I can see what is really important in life. Why would I put my energy into being a certain weight when there’s so little time to love and do what really matters?” Such an honest, beautiful post and an inspiring attitude about it all!

    1. So I’m in the same boat. And this i don’t understand. I am part of a group of women that exercise daily. The other women are in late 50s and 65 one of them. One 44 year old and myself so 44. None of them have this problem? All are muscular and thin? They can’t all simply have the genes? There’s like 10 of them and they all are slender and muscular? Must I work out not only daily, but intensely to achieve it? What about injury? I’m so frustrated. Try so hard and have 8blbs to lose.

  4. I love your posts, but I identify with this one more than any before! I am also 43, gained about 7 lbs this year and have not been able to shake it. With a little effort, I could always diet it off, but not this time. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve gone through all my old bag of tricks, including the not so healthy ones (decidedly unhealthy, honestly). Nothing’s working. All the while, I’m trying to feed my two young girls well while ingraining a healthy body image upon them. It’s frustrating and exhausting! Glad to know that at least I’m not alone in my struggle!

    1. Thanks for your comment Susan. I can relate to going through the old bag of tricks too. I used to be able to cut out evening snacking and pretty much see three pounds go off automatically. Now? They don’t budge. It’s okay to admit that you haven’t always approached weight loss in a healthy way–it’s tempting for me to do things like skip meals to try and get back to my usual weight. Ultimately, I know that will cause me to overeat at the next meal of course! You’re right that it’s so important to set a good example for your girls in terms of food and body image. But yes, I feel your pain–and at least we are not alone!

  5. Yes indeed. Try having baby #3 at 40, and watch those pounds really stay put! I recently came to the same conclusion, that I would focus on getting more exercise. I keep thinking I should do something really drastic but like you I just don’t want to live that way, and I find that the more I focus on/obsess about eating the more stress I feel, and I’m definitely a stress eater. I’ve also decided to cut myself a little slack – with three young kids I’m simply not at a point in my life where I have lots of time and energy to focus on myself and my personal goals, worthy though they may be. Someday. Anyway, I did go to the gym yesterday for the first time in about a year and a half, and I’m going to try to keep it up. All the size 8 pants under my bed can wait!

    1. Thanks for your comment Katie. Yes, someday you will have more time to focus on yourself and your goals. When people say “you should always make yourself top priority” I wonder if they’ve ever been a mom of young kids! 🙂

  6. Great article. No one our age should have to give up fresh baked bread and other treats in moderation. Super skinny is not really flattering at our age either. I’m turning 45 this year and have found that exercise is the key to keeping the weight down. I have felt like a fat person for most of my life, and I’m actually at my lowest adult weight (I was 30 lbs. heavier in my 20’s and a lot more during the pregnancies and am now about 120 at 5’4″) b/c I’ve found a balance of eating well most of the time and treating myself every day (usually chocolate and granola). Keeping active allows me to maintain this weight while also not being hungry. Active means running clothing down from the laundry to the kids’ room, going out to the garage to fetch something, standing at my desk, walking, yoga and yes, I try to do one hard workout a day (like P90x or hard cardio). I’m not skinny nor fat, and I do get a lot more compliments these days about being really fit…a bonus with increasing your activity level. So, while I always believed it was mostly about food, perhaps as we age the activity part becomes key. My young daughter made me smile the other day when I found her in the home gym wearing lycra leggings and a tank top (just like mom). I hope she learns to be active early in life.

    1. Thanks Lulu. You have a good point about being very thin at an older age. I find that when I do drop weight, it comes from my face first–definitely not where I’m looking to lose it! It’s interesting that you’ve found activity/exercise plays a bigger role in your weight these days. Perhaps that is the case with me. At any rate, it’s more motivation for me to get off my butt. Thanks for your comment!

  7. I am 37 and was injured last year. Ever since my injury trying to lose the 10 pounds I gained while I couldn’t workout has been impossible. I can definitely relate to the frustration. I began working with a naturapath last week to help me get my metabolism and hormones back on track.

    1. Megan–sorry to hear about your injury. It’s so hard when an injury or pain derail our routine. I hope you can get back on track and feeling more like yourself soon!

  8. Sally, we should be friends as we live parallel lives. I’m a mom of two, 43 this year and a wellness consultant. I started the health and wellness committee for the parent association at the elementary school, helped reestablish the school district wellness council, encourage the sports teams to only offer fruit and I coach people on being healthy through fitness, nutrition and a well rounded life. I also direct the new farmers market in town, in fact I passed along your latest blog on farmers market etiquette 😉 A huge thanks to you for being my voice (lol) This latest blog had me laughing as I’m totally there with you. My favorite skinny jeans feel a bit snug though I’m healthier than ever. Doesn’t help that husband said he noticed my body changing shape…insert foot in mouth comment. Good thing it’s summer as I get annoyed when I put the jeans on. I was toying with the idea of just buying a great pair of new jeans so I don’t get bummed. What gives, hormones or lack thereof haha. On the positive side I am more mentally confident than ever and it’s all about perception. Keep up the great blog. I love your passion and realness. Would love to chat further. Cheers, Wendy

    1. Wendy–all you need to do is start blogging (or maybe you already do?). Thanks for your comment and we do sound like we’re living parallel lives… 🙂

  9. Thank you for sharing this perspective that I think so many of us can relate to. After hitting 40, I was getting so frustrated that my clothes weren’t fitting DESPITE running 4 -5 times a week. Then I switched up my exercise routine to 2 days of boot camp and less running – while those extra pounds didn’t exactly go away, I now feel stronger and toner than before. And I just don’t get on a scale – only once a year at the doctor’s office – and try to go by how I’m feeling vs. that darn number which is just a number (at least this is what I tell myself.)

    1. Deanna–I’ve been hearing this from more and more women, that adding in weight training and dialing back the cardio a bit was key. I do weight training about twice a week but think I need to focus on it even more. And you’re right, being stronger and more toned is a pretty great feeling, better than any number on the scale.

  10. Can’t tell you how much I love this post, Sally, thanks for writing it! Fabulous perspective and lovely use of words.

  11. After having 3 babies in my mid fourties, my body will never be the same…period. The classic NY Times article The Fat Trap gave me some great insights as to why it’s not “fair” that I likely can’t lose weight like other people. Trying to lose weight now is an uphill battle. The extreme diets I have followed dint make any logical sense. The reality is, I’m not in bikini training at this point in my life (early fifties). I just want a fit heart and sane mind that let me live a long time to enjoy my awesome family!

    1. Susan–I love your attitude. “I just want a fit heart and a sane mind that let me live a long time to enjoy my awesome family!” LOVE THAT.

  12. One thing I love about being nearly 50 is that I’ve found it easier to let go of obsessing over a few cosmetic pounds.

    It doesn’t matter. It never mattered. I’m active, I’m happy, I’m healthy, I have great energy. Life is too short and precious to spend it worrying about minor appearance stuff.

    I think the perspective that 40s and 50s and 60s give is worth more than that young person’s metabolism of 20s and 30s.

  13. Thanks for sharing this story, Sally.

    Boy, can I relate! Before 40 I could bounce back from a weekend of indulgence with an extra run or by cutting out cocktails during the week, but now at 44 (gasp!) just exercise or just cutting carbs doesn’t even make a dent! I need everything working all together: diet + exercise.

    For me, I want to feel strong, fit and mighty in my body and mind. Up until I had kids, my body was always like that. Growing up in So Cal, I was always “beach ready”. After my last baby was born, I just never got back into that shape…she turned 9 this year! I can hardly call it baby fat anymore, right!

    Now, I’m changing my lifestyle to a healthier, more active approach to living. I don’t want to binge on carbs – I feel lethargic and gross! I don’t want to spend free time on the couch – I want to move my body and chase my kids. But I also want to enjoy every single fruit that is in season this summer – including all those with high sugar content like my favorite NW cherries! I want to enjoy a cocktail and coffee with 1/2 a teaspoon of sugar.

    I want it all – which means that I need to give it my all. I’m finally doing that! It feels great. I have 20 pounds to lose (I think) and I’m on my way.

    While I used to help busy parents feed their children healthy foods at Feed Our Families, I’ve found my new passion: helping busy parents take care of themselves so they can feel strong and mighty everyday! It feels good to be “helping” again, and I’m so encouraged by little steps towards progress.

    Thanks again for sharing your story, Sally. It’s clearly given me an opportunity to reflect on mine too 🙂

  14. Sally, I can speak from the over 40s–almost 50 perspective, as I have had a 3 year bout of denial. I denied that I needed to exercise more and be more careful of what and how much I ate. In fact, I resisted restricting my desire to be lazy or have as much wine or sweets as I wanted…and I watched the weight come on. What I can share/say now is this: post 40 or even almost 50, you cannot get away with eating anything or skipping out on exercise and still stay at a place where you are comfortable. I know the research tells us over and over that as we age we have to be more active and eat healthier and with care…and that is true. I think if you want to be comfortable (whether it’s at your “usual” weight or 5# or 10# heavier–wherever you deem is comfy) it just takes more thought and effort, period. For me, exercising aerobically almost everyday is what it takes–along with cutting back on sweets and alcohol–I wish (and sometime long) that it would be different–that i could do next to nothing differently and still be my old slim self–but that isn’t the case! I now wonder what it will be like in my 50s!!

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  17. I love the attitude you espouse in the final paragraph. Yes, metabolism changes with age and it gets harder and harder to have the body we did in our 30’s. I”m a huge advocate for strength training by midlife women; it may not change the number on the scale (although sometimes it does!), but it sure can change your body composition, the way your clothes fit, your body confidence and your mindset around aging!

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  19. For me it started at 35 – partly because of a thyroid condition, but fixing that didn’t get rid of the weight. I felt just as you do: I may only be gaining a pound or two a year, but I started realizing how many, many pounds that would add up to a couple of decades from now. And trying on pants was so depressing. Also catching sight of myself in a mirror or photo and thinking, “Do I really look like that?”

    Finally, on a whim, I tried out the Primal diet (like Paleo but you can have dairy, and a little cheating is okay) and I’ve steadily lost about a pound a week, ending up around my pre-thyroid weight. I’ve come to the conclusion the anti-carb people must be right, at least to the extent that we need a lot less carbs than the food pyramid tells us we do, and even less as we age. The nice thing about primal is you can still enjoy all the yummiest things like meat and cheese and cream. Also, I’m only strict with breakfast and lunch. Since my family is not on board, dinner often includes some rice or potatoes or noodles, I just try to go easy on them personally. Now and then I even have a slice of bread – and amazingly, a single slice is a satisfying treat now; I don’t crave more. Anyway, it still seems to work and I’m now confident I can maintain the weight I want, since I finally know how.

    1. Thanks for your comment Anna. A friend of mine swears by Primal and has lost and kept off a significant amount of weight. Primal is not for me, but I know that different kinds of eating work for different people. Glad you found a way of eating that works for you and thanks again for your perspective!

      1. Yes, I agree that different ways of eating work for different people – I wasn’t trying to tell you how you should eat. But it is lovely to have found something sustainable for me.

        1. Oh no worries, I didn’t think you were. 🙂 I’m actually trying to convince my Primal friend to write a guest post for this blog–though I don’t follow that diet, I think her story of discovering what worked best for her is interesting and something a lot of people are trying to figure out for themselves.

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  22. Ha! Months later, and I finally read all of the comments. I’ll get to work, Sally.

    Love,
    Sally’s Primal Friend

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  24. We had a special speaker, Dr. Diana Bitner, at MOPS. She just wrote a book called, “I Want To Age Like That” Healthy aging through midlife and menopause. I’m in my late thirties- almost 38 and have an 8 month old baby. I feel the reality that I need to be intentional about nutrition and exercise to weather the next stage of life. I have read her book and recommnd it.
    http://www.truewomenshealth.com I agree with your balanced approach. I love reading your blog and I enjoy your cookbook.

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  26. Totally agree with the balanced approach. Life is too short…I need to lose about 20 lbs and I admit, I should be trying harder to lose some weight but I am not really into it right now. You all know how busy it is as a full time mom, full time employee, homework, chores, dinners, lunches, bath times, bed times….ugh! It’s all too busy and great and blessed! Thank you so much for this article. I don’t believe in diets and in restricting yourself from eating yummy foods, it’s all about balance!!

    Side note: our dear friend did of brain cancer earlier this year and at the end of his life the question was posed if they should restrict what he ate or not. He was a bit heavy to help move around but you know what, he passed away a few months later, he enjoyed every last meal he had. Life is too short, let’s not be unhealthy either but enjoy life!!! We never know when our last day on earth is. Be kind to yourself too.

  27. Yep, its like you interviewed me. Every last word in your article is exactly how I have felt for a year now. It had been going on for me for a couple years (I’m 44) but I didn’t notice right away. And I too as a dietitian felt I I can easily take off the 10# keeping me out of half the clothes in my closet but I’m 12 pounds away from that goal! And I have been working on it! I settled into the exact same conclusion, it isn’t worth lamenting, but I can eat a little better (yes there was room to improve!), enjoy my beloved indulgences from time to time, exercise (not like a maniac) and enjoy life. Thanks for keeping it real!

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  29. Well it looks like this article is a couple of years old, but this is exactly how I feel. A 44 year old with a 12 yr and 4 yr old and the weight gain once I hit 40. I attend a boot class, tried to eat right, etc. and nothing. Mentioned it to my doctor, and he said yes, you are over 40 now, your metabolism slows down and it is nearly impossible to lose it. Yeah! Dealing with that, plus the stress of a 12 yr old going thru different stages of life and the lack of patience you have when you get older makes it real hard. Loved this article as it is very hard, but you always put a great perspective on things, such as enjoy life and eat right. Great read.

  30. Thank you for sharing the truth — and you are not alone, sister!! But I do love your mindset and your approach to a frustrating situation. We are in this life to enjoy it, fresh bread, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and all!

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