The Kind Of Eaters I Want My Kids To Be

Inside: Your kids don’t have to be “good eaters”. Here’s something to aim for instead.

I don’t call my kids “good eaters”.

I’ve never called them “bad eaters” or “picky eaters” either–even when they’ve made me craaaaazy (like when our younger son went on an outright dinner strike as a toddler).

Instead, I want them to be “successful eaters”.

What is a successful eater?

I heard the term “successful eater” years ago at a conference from psychologist and parent coach Kathleen Cuneo, PhD, and it’s stuck with me every since.

It’s not about how much or what you eat. A successful eater is someone who:

  • Enjoys being at the table (and is enjoyable when there)
  • Tries new foods and learns to like them over time
  • Politely refuses foods they don’t want to eat
  • Can eat in places other than home
  • Can “make do” with less favorable foods

What this looks like

Being a successful eater doesn’t mean cleaning your plate or being willing to take a bite of anything put in front of you.

It’s eating spaghetti with a chunky pasta sauce even though you don’t like big pieces of tomato. (You might pick around the bigger pieces, and that’s okay.)

It’s saying “no thank you” to something you don’t want to eat without calling it gross or yucky.

It’s being able to eat at a relative’s house or find something you like on a restaurant menu.

It’s not making a big deal that you’re not having pizza tonight, but are looking forward to having it Friday.

That’s why one of my favorite mantras with the kids is “Every dinner can’t be your favorite“.

Because “making do” with less-than-favorite meals is an crucial skill to learn–preferably at a young age. Because…

  • You will eat at a friend’s house and the food won’t be familiar.
  • You will go to parties where different foods are served.
  • You may live with other people who have different preferences.

Why it’s so important to me

This is near and dear to my heart because I was the polar opposite of a “successful eater” when I was a child (read: I Was a Picky Eater. Here’s What I Want You To Know.).

I remember the dread of going to someone’s house for dinner and not knowing what would be served. I remember eating little more than a hamburger bun at picnics and having only a small set of foods I felt comfortable eating.

It’s hard being that kind of eater. It can be embarrassing, scary, and isolating. If there were things I could do to prevent my kids from feeling that way, I wanted to try.

Two children's wood plates sit on a table. One is shaped like a robot and holds edamame. One is shaped like a rocket and holds crackers, peppers, and cucumbers.

What I did that helped

Here are some things I did:

Established some ground rules: We sit at the table, we say thank you and no thank you, and we don’t criticize the food or the cook.

Served just one meal: But I’m always happy to deconstruct a mixed meal, and I make sure there’s something on the table they like.

Eased back on pressure: I stopped telling my kids how much to eat, and I don’t withhold dessert if they don’t eat their veggies or take at least one bite of something new. When the table is a no-pressure zone, kids can feel more comfortable being there. Read: Stop Pressuring Your Kids To Eat. Here’s What To Do Instead.

Perfect isn’t the goal

Do my kids sometimes reject new foods after the tiniest taste–or not taste it at all? Sure.

Does it frustrate me that one kid doesn’t like salmon and the other doesn’t love cheese? Of course! (I mean, who doesn’t like cheese?!)

There are also children with extreme picky eating or sensory issues who may only have a few “safe foods”. If that’s your child, you haven’t failed–and your kids aren’t “unsuccessful”. Read: 5 Common Problems at the Root of Extreme Picky Eating

A “successful eater” is also in the eye of the beholder–what counts as success may look different to different caregivers.

But as a former extreme picky eater myself, I can finally say that I feel like I fit this particular version of success, and I think my kids do too.

And that feels good.

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6 Comments

  1. I like the description of the Successful Eater — nearly identical to Ellyn Satter’s description of a “Competent Eater.” I love when different professionals come to the same conclusions (when I agree with it ;))

  2. “successful eaters” hmm…nice term! and a nice topic also! thanks!

  3. I really love this. My kids are 5 and 2 and while they aren’t at the point your son is, it’s definitely my goal for them to be what you call successful eaters. I’ll be interested to read your next post.

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