The Truth About Family Dinner
Inside: Family dinner doesn’t have to be picture-perfect to still be important.
Before kids, family dinner went something like this:
My husband and I would cook a meal together, talking in great detail about our respective days like we had all the time in the world (because we did). Then we’d take our steaming plates of food out to the futon couch and watch “Party of Five”.
(Yes, we’re that old. And no, we don’t have a futon couch anymore.)
Then kids came along
After kids, family dinner became a three-ring circus crossed with outtakes from “Nanny 911”. I was suddenly making dinner alone at the early-bird-special hour of 4:45pm with a baby or toddler clinging to my leg.
Those meaningful conversations my husband and I used to have? Some nights, we’re lucky if we can communicate a single idea to each other without being interrupted by an urgent ketchup request or steady stream of questions about the Battle of Naboo.
There are meltdowns. And time-outs. When our toddler went through his recent dinner strike, there were many, many nights when family dinner ended with me, my head resting in my hands, totally demoralized.
The chaos to benefit ratio
I don’t typically have trouble getting a well-rounded meal on the table: Two general dinner rules around here are that everyone eats the same entree and everyone gets a vegetable.
And because our kids aren’t involved in a lot of outside activities, we have no trouble sitting down for dinner together most nights of the week.
What I struggle with is the balance between family dinner benefits and family dinner chaos.
The universal truth is that family dinner can be challenging–and many nights, not much fun–when you have small kids. Our cozy 8:00 dinner-for-two has turned into 5:30 mayhem-for-four. We’ve slogged through some tough evenings together around the table. But we’re consistent because we know it matters.
There are glimmers of hope
There are nights when the stars align–when the kids share stories about school or make up silly jokes that crack us up, when everyone’s using good manners and the boys are so hungry that they quietly devour their meals with no complaint.
And I know that someday, in the not-so-distant future, clubs and sports and friends will mean family dinner isn’t a given every night.
And I know that, as insane as it sounds right now, I will yearn for a noisy, hectic dinner of spilled drinks and dropped forks and everyone talking at once–and that I will miss the mayhem.
We go for “family breakfast” instead. Everyone is home, hungry and on the same schedule. Also, we all like breakfast food and so no tears! Even though we aren’t religious we do have a Friday night Sabbath dinner with tablecloth and china to make sure we get in one less rushed meal altogether one night a week.
That’s a great idea, Marta. I find that when I do “Breakfast For Dinner”, everyone is cooperative and eats a good meal…probably b/c everyone likes pancakes! I also like your tablecloth and china idea. Another blogger in this carnival wrote about doing Friday dinner in the dining room. If I can ever get my dining room table cleaned off, I’m totally doing that too. http://justtherightbyte.com/2011/10/sunday-night-dinner-in-the-dining-room/
Sally – This is the exact play-by-play as it unfolds in the Ruzzamenti house as well! I cheer if I can even get a bite of warm food, let alone a nice conversation. I like that you mentioned rules. Our only rule is that you have to sit with the family – even if you don’t want to eat anything. Eventually when they realize play time won’t be, they will start munching on whatever appeals to them that night – and I make sure that there is plenty of choice – veggie, fruit, meat/fish/eggs, noodles or rice and milk to drink. It works perfectly unless we are in a total meltdown like you’ve described!
Thanks for the laugh and letting me know I’m in good company!
Thanks LeAnne! That’s a rule for us too–you have to sit at the table. What’s working for my 3-year-old lately is wrapping up and refrigerating a meal that was barely touched. He has been happily eating it (reheated) an hour or two after dinner. It doesn’t inconvenience us too much and he still sits with us at dinner time. Thanks for organizing this great blog carnival!
I love your two dinner rules: “Two general dinner rules around here are that everyone eats the same entree and everyone gets a vegetable.” I think those two rules would solve a lot of dinner time mayhem for many families! Cooking different meals for various family members is way too much work and sends the wrong message! Everyone getting a vegetable…well that is just smart 🙂 When we set expectations and follow through to create habits it just becomes a normal and expected part of the meal. Great post!
Thanks Kia! I like your point about “setting expectations”. That’s such an important part of meal time for kids. Thanks for reading!
Nice piece. Confession: my husband and I were hooked on Party of Five, too!
Katie
Katie–nice to know we weren’t the only ones. We also watched “The OC” regularly in its early days, which is equally embarrassing…
I’m a Party of Five fan too! Your story cracks me up–“I have been there and done that,” and am living to tell you that it gets much better, with time, persistence and patience. Warning: the dynamic shifts from food drama to “let’s gang up on mom and dad and see if we can get what we want, individually, using the power of 4 against 2!”
Thanks Jill. Good to know that it gets better. Around here, it’s 2 against 2 (though alliances are always changing)…. 🙂
I’m with you Sally. Dinners are chaotic with my 5 and 2 year old but I know I will miss how cute my kids are right now and that we have more time together. Great post as always!
Great story! I agree with Kia and many other who say that even though it can seem like chaos, you are setting up expectations and routines. It gets easier as they kids get older, even though their schedules get more packed! (We eat pretty late now actually.) My older kids just totally expect to have dinner together, and know what’s expected of them too.
Loving this Family Dinner Blog Carnival–be sure to check out Blog For Family Dinner (www.blogforfamilydinner.org) , where we also have great info and resources on family meals!
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