Does your child ask for a snack after dinner–when he’s barely touched his meal? If this drives you crazy, here are some solutions for you!
This week, I reached out to readers on my Real Mom Nutrition Facebook page asking for their most frustrating feeding dilemma when it came to their kids–and promised that feeding expert and parent educator Dr. Dina Rose would address one of them on this blog. Dr. Rose has a brand new book called It’s Not About the Broccoli.
The dilemma I chose comes from dad Michael. Not only does this happen in my own house, but it’s also something I frequently hear from other parents: “My son doesn’t eat much dinner, says he’s full, gets up from the table, and asks for a snack 10 minutes later.”
So to Michael–and all of you who experience this snack-after-dinner request as well–here’s what Dr. Rose’s says:
by Dina Rose, PhD
The easiest way to fix a parenting problem is to see the world through your child’s eyes. So let’s jump inside your son’s head for a moment to see what’s probably going on. I bet he’s thinking some version of the following:
- The food mom and dad serve at dinner is OK, but I don’t like it that much, especially compared to the snacks they give me after dinner.
- Dinner is no fun. We have to sit around forever. Plus, sometimes there’s pressure to eat stuff I don’t want—like veggies.
- I don’t get a lot of say about what’s served for dinner, but I get to choose my after-dinner snack. I like getting to choose.
- Saying “I’m not hungry,” is the only way I can be excused from the table.
We’ve got four separate, but related, issues here. That means we need four separate, but related, solutions. Taken together these four steps will produce change.
Step 1: Create an incentive for your son to eat at meals.
One reason kids can afford to refuse meals is that they know there’s always another meal (aka a desirable snack) waiting in the wings.
Eliminate snacking on-demand by creating a schedule that includes general times for eating, such as:
- Dinner is sometime between 5 and 7pm
- After dinner snack is sometime between 8:30 and 9pm
I call these Eating Zones. Meals and snacks get offered once during each Eating Zone. If they’re refused, or if your son doesn’t eat enough, then he has to wait until the next Eating Zone to eat again.
Let me be clear: This is not a starve-him-out approach. It’s a structure for eating that will give your son a chance to experience the consequences for passing up dinner.
And learning to live with mild hunger is a valuable life skill.
Make sure the snacks you serve are snack-size, not meal-size. And, it will help if snacks are not your son’s favorite foods.
Step 2: Take the pressure off dinner.
The best way I know to eliminate pressure at dinner is to serve a few bites of fruits and vegetables at every meal and snack…most days.
That way you know that when your son gets to the dinner table he’s already eaten a lot of the good stuff (or at least more than you’ll get by trying to coax a few more bites just at dinner).
Then, start serving very small portions at dinner so that it’s easy for your son to to tackle the task. And vow never to ask your son to eat even a few more bites.
Don’t worry that this will leave your son hungry. You’ve already covered that problem with Step 1.
Step 3: Incorporate more choices during dinner and fewer choices at snack time.
The kind of choices I’m talking about do not include, “What would you like for dinner?” Who wants to be a short-order chef?
The choices I’m talking about include occasionally consulting your child before the meal to see if he’d like you to make chicken or hamburgers, or green beans or asparagus.
And during the meal try putting out a few bowls of cut up veggies (that you keep in the fridge). Ask your son to help himself from two of the three bowls.
Other ways to increase dinnertime choices include: which bowl? cup? chair?
Reduce the choices at snack time by setting some parameters: snack can be only a fruit or a vegetable; you can’t have the same snack two days in a row; snack must be eaten at the table.
Step 4: Give your son a legal way to end the meal.
Most children learn to say, “I don’t like it,” and “I’m not hungry,” to get out of eating because they know it’s the statement their parents will accept.
Imagine what would happen, though, if you gave your son an alternative way out:
- “I”m bored; May I be excused?”
- “I’d like to go back to my trucks; May I be excused?”
That wouldn’t just keep him from “using” his hunger to manipulate the situation. It would give you an opportunity to discuss what’s really going on!
Parents can use this to their advantage:
Hungry before dinner? Serve vegetables
Hungry after dinner? Serve vegetables and fruit
great idea!
This is something I face with my two year old. What age is it “OK” to enforce meal zones? On one hand, I think, Well, he’s two so I’ll give him a pass and let him have a snack even though he didn’t want the meal I prepared. But than I also feel at two years old, I need to start enforcing the rules or else two years old will become four years old and then I’ll have a kid that runs the feeding show instead of me. What do you think?
My 3 year old has a bad habit of not wanting to eat dinner because he would rather watch TV and I don’t allow food in the living room. So he gets up and down from the table a lot, and constantly asks for snacks. The best defense I’ve come up with for this is those baby food pouches, those are the only snacks I allow for his choices, and I primarily buy the ones with at least one vegetable in them. So at least he is eating something healthy, so I don’t have to feel guilty.
Linda: I definitely think you can enforce the Eating Zones with a 2 year old. The key is not to be too rigid–that’s why they’re called Zones, not Times. If your child doesn’t eat at a meal and you tell him that there won’t be food until the next snack, you need to enforce it. Make sure there is a no-eating time. But that doesn’t mean it has to be a long time. You can move the next eating zone up so there’s only a 30 minute wait. Don’t fear your child’s meltdown. Be compassionate and supportive. It is during this struggle that growth happens.
Amber: Personally, I wouldn’t let my child get up and down from the table. But if it doesn’t bother you, then go for it. If you do want to change it then have a conversation with your son about not getting up and down from now on. Then enforce that rule with the Eating Zones. It will take a few days but your child will learn. Remember, it’s the combination of structure and compassion that is the winning ticket.
Dina
I am a dietetic intern who just completed a Pediatric Nutrition class and I have to say I really like the idea of offering children choices while still keeping the parent primarily in control. Several of the children I’ve worked with have told me the same thing mentioned by Dr. Rose at the beginning of this piece, that they usually don’t like what is offered at dinner but will eat snacks because they get to choose. There isn’t any harm in offering a variety of vegetable choices at meal times, and putting some limitations on snack time will encourage them to eat more at meals.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with children snacking or grazing all day as long as their “snacks” are real food. My son’s snacks are the same foods we feed him at meal time. There just aren’t cookies or goldfish or anything like that for him to eat. When he gets hungry between meals he asks for whatever he’s craving which seems like a pretty good indication of what his body is needing that day. Since his food library only includes nutritious stuff it doesn’t really matter what he eats. Some days he mostly wants sardines, cheese, and yogurt and other days it’s all fruit, green peas, and raw broccoli, and other days it’s what we would think of as a good balance of everything.
I want him to pay attention to his body’s signals about hunger and satiation. I, and most adults, have lost touch with the signal that says “yes you’re hungry, not just bored” and the other one that says “you’re full and you don’t want to stuff yourself even though it’s delicious”. My son still has those indications from his body. He eats when he’s hungry (and not just a little hungry… he usually doesn’t stop playing until he is well and truly hungry) and stops when he’s not and that seems like a really good thing.
Reminds me of an “Atlantic” piece from last week about teaching children gratitude. Along the lines of your “short-order chef” idea, the author urges parents to involve kids in the cooking process, arguing, “If kids cut the veggies, they will eat them.”
http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/01/how-to-teach-kids-to-be-grateful-give-them-less/282834/
Snacking is a modern phenomena. I grew up in the 1950’s and 1960’s, and nobody I knew got any snacks, just 3 meals a day and drank water when thirsty. And we played outside, walked to school, so used the energy from the 3 meals. WE were all lean looking children and teenagers!
When we set down for our meals, we ate everything, and there was always one who did not like something (I am one of 11) But you ate the food, because there was no alternative!
If we were lucky, on a hot summer’s day maybe an ice cream. All other snacks and drinks were reserved for birthday parties. No, my mum did not make a fuss or let us play with food. But then, she grew up in poverty, as so many did growing up in the 1920’s and 1930’s.
Fast forward, brought my daughter up the same way. Loves her food, loves cooking and never throws out food. As soon as she started eating solids it was the same food that we ate.FRESH FOOD. She did have a moment when she started to refuse new foods at about 5. I told her, that one of the necessities and also joys in life is food. So the more different things you learn to eat the more there is to enjoy and that for new foods you always need to try them at least three times, before you can decide. She eats every vegetable available, cooks very multicultural and goes to any restaurant to try out foods she has not experienced before. It looks like her cousins (25) have been brought up the same way, they are all foodies!! She did however complain occasionally about the mean mother who send her to school with only sandwiches and fruit, no snacks. But as nagging never worked, complaints were only occasional
Thanks for your comment. You’re right, snacking is a pretty recent development and food manufactures are all too happy to create new and interesting foods to fill that snack time! I love how you told your daughter that food was a joy in life and the more foods you learn to eat the more there is to enjoy–what a great way to teach her, instead of “eat this because it’s good for you!”. You instilled a LOVE of food in her. Congratulations on raising a daughter who eats AND cooks all kinds of foods. I’m sure that is every parent’s hope for their child!
I appreciate you sharing your growing up background. We too ate only 3 nourishing meals and only a rare snack. We drank only water and only soda or punch for special occasions. We grew up with healthy bodies and no cavities too!
We don’t have a huge problem with this one at my house, but if I do get an after-dinner snack request, our solution is simple: the one offering available is a bedtime cup of warm milk with honey or cinnamon – sleep-inducing, filling enough to make sleep possible if the hunger is real, but not exciting enough to motivate skipping dinner, at least for our son.
My 3 year old refuses to eat dinner. She will sit there for 3 hours and will only have ate 2 bites of her food. She will then get down and come ask 5-10 mins later and ask for a snack or demand a snack. I do give her a small portion enough to at least fill her belly, if I’ve accidentally over portioned then I split it up so she knows that she doesn’t have to eat the over portioned part of her meal. She gets a little bit of everything on her plate including veggies and a little bit of salad. I’ve tried doing the 45 min thing where after 45 mins if she still hasn’t touched her plate we take the plate and that’s all she gets til breakfast in the morning….Hoping she’d understand what she’s doing wrong and we’ve explained to her that not alot of children get to eat the foods we eat. After I take her plate away she is not allowed to do play or do any fun activities, I make her sit on the couch for an hourish til it’s time for bed…. But I don’t know what else to do in at my whits end
Step 1: Eliminate snacks.
Many cultures do not sabotage meals by offering food in between them. Children will not starve or pass out. They may complain at first, but will eventually get used to it and learn to eat three filling wholesome meals per day. I simply offer seasoned or raw vegetables (no dips or dressings) if they act hungry. If it gets turned away, they’ll be just fine. They come to the table hungry and hunger is the best ingredient. They eat (and have become open-minded and accustomed to) so many different types of foods because of snack elimination. But our culture is built on snacks, a fear of our children starving, and not being able to say no. It hurts them in the end and creates a confusing relationship with food.
Hi..need help advise. My 16 yr old daughter became vegetarian a month ago. It’s been hard on me because for yrs she was a picky eater. Now its more fustrating because she will not be hungry for dinner sometimes but right before bed she asks what she can eat because she did not like what we ate at my mom’s 4 hours ago. Sometimes she will just make a simple sandwich or worse, a bag of tostitos. I fear she will end up sick from lack of nutritions. She forgets to take her iron or other vitamins and at the end of the night I feel responsible to make her healthy food she feels too lazy to make herself. Then we argue since I ask her why every night we go through this late at night. I have to wake up at 5am and she has school but ofcourse her cell phone is more important too.
Please, I really need some help here as I fear for her health. I don’t think she understands me and thinks I over react, but I need her to see my point of view.
Thank you kindly
Hi Carolina–I understand your concerns. It can be very stressful when we don’t think our kids are getting enough to eat. I have a few suggestions: I recommend this book The Smart Girl’s Guide to Going Vegetarian, which is written by a dietitian. It may be that hearing the health messages from someone other than her parents will make those messages stick (such as the importance of iron and protein and eating a variety of food). I also recommend you read this series from my dietitian friend Katie at Mom’s Kitchen Handbook on helping your vegetarian child. Here’s part one: https://www.momskitchenhandbook.com/uncategorized/when-your-kid-wants-to-be-a-vegetarian/
Perhaps working together to figure out some foods she does like that you could stock will help. Getting her involved in the process, perhaps prepping some easy healthy snacks for her to grab, might motivate her and help her feel more empowered. Some ideas: edamame (frozen, can heat up in microwave and add sprinkle of salt), bean burritos (can keep in the freezer), hard-boiled eggs, protein bars, iron-fortified breakfast cereals. I hope the book and Katie’s posts will give you some more ideas!