In my efforts to bring healthier snacks to the sidelines, I dubbed myself THAT Mom.
But there’s one mom I can’t be. It’s the one who, while all the kids are diving in to the donuts and Capri Sun after a game, pulls her child away and says “You can’t have that”.
I know some of you absolutely have to do this because of food allergies. I know some of you do this simply because you (understandably) don’t want your child eating this junk every week. And I know some of you will think I’m not walking the walk when I rail against junk food at sports games but would let my kid dig right on in.
But here’s what I worry about: I worry that excluding my kids that way–forbidding them to join the fray–is potentially more damaging than the hydrogenated fats and high fructose corn syrup.
Because I can talk to my children about the downsides of these foods all I want. But at the end of the day, they are 7 and 3. When someone opens a cooler full of Krispy Kremes and juice boxes and says “Have at it”, they want to.
If I say “You can’t have that”, here’s what they won’t be thinking: “She right, we just had breakfast an hour ago and that snack is loaded with calories and trans fat and artificial coloring that we don’t need.”
Instead, they will be thinking this: “It’s. Not. Fair! I want that donut. That donut is the best thing ever. Look at that amazing donut! Donut. Donut. Donut. Donut.”
And of course they will be. They’re 7 and 3.
That’s why I want this stuff gone from the sidelines completely–so it’s not another battle parents have to fight, another treat we have to negotiate and somehow work in to the day, another snack that kids with food allergies will have to pass up.
And it’s why I bristle every time someone counters my fruit-and-water snack proposal with “If you don’t like the cupcakes and cookies, then don’t let your kid have them.”
Believe me, I already say “No” to an awful lot of things. Because we live in a country where cheap, delicious-looking food is everywhere, I’m frequently saying “no”: to slushees at the gas station, to candy at the grocery aisle, to candy bars and sports drinks in vending machines.
I’ve heard a few moms say how proud they were when their child didn’t take the crappy snack after soccer games. And while it’s great that some kids can exercise that kind of restraint when presented with these foods, we can’t expect that of young children. Most adults, with decades’ worth of knowledge and experiences, can’t even do that. We’re setting them up for failure if we make junk available at every turn but hope they’ll use their better judgement.
And to me, That’s. Not. Fair.
Alissa says
Yes! I couldn’t agree more…I get so aggravated when I talk to our school about the crappy food they serve and allow parents to bring in and the response is “well, you are welcome to send something else in for your child” or request she doesn’t get unlimited refills on juice (when the other kids do)…she’s three, and that is such an unfair burden. So I let her eat it, staying angry that I have to choose between her feeling deprived or having a healthy diet…the system is clearly broken if that’s the choice!
Carolyn Guercio-Wisler says
Hello! I saw the article about you in the Olentangy News but had already seen your blog post about the snack thing! I took your lead, even though I have the son who wants the crunchy or crappy non-food snack! He was not happy that I put mini Clif bars and oranges and apples in bags for his team. My hubby took him that night and paid attention to how the kids reacted. Many were excited to get the snack and it was only our son who was moritified!! Our kids eat very healthy here at home and pack healthy lunches but you are right – they will take the crap when it is presented to them!! My 17 year old has it all figured out but my younger son has a way to go!! Thanks for the inspiration!!
Sally says
Carolyn–that’s great news about the healthier team snack. 🙂
Sandi says
I could not agree more with you! My son’s baseball coach just sent out their “snack schedule” (who brings the treats). I just cringed. Why do they need a snack after a 70 minute baseball game. Most of the time they are sitting on the bench or standing in the field.
I also say no a lot and am not going to tell my son he can not take the treat. When I am scheduled for snacks I do bring water bottles and pretzels. Not the best but better than cookies.
Sandi
Renu Arora says
Well written article! My kids are 5 & 8…and I’m another healthy-snack-procuring RD mom who also refuses to be *that* mom. Keep up the good work! It will pay off in the long run. (I’m counting on it!)
Stacy Whitman says
I’m doing the same thing as you, Sally. I am so afraid of making it an issue that I don’t say anything. By the way, I’m happy to report that the parents on my 6-year-old’s soccer team have been bringing healthy snacks this season, without any prompting. I contributed fresh mango spears and popcorn when it was our turn to bring the snack, and I think my husband was shocked when all the kids gobbled it up. Oh yea, and I’ve gotten my School Bites blog up and running on a URL. Yay! Thanks again for your support. 🙂
Meghan says
I agree with you, the best we can do is educate our children. I never make food a fight in my house and I try to be a positive example. Hopefully one day they will choose the apple over the chips 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
Jessie Welsch says
LOVED this post – my sentiments exactly. But it’s not just the other families I’m often up against – it’s my own! I wish my children’s father and our parents would understand and see things the way I see them – then I wouldn’t have to be fighting an uphill battle all the time. It’s quite a mixed message when I say no to the neon blue gas station slurpy to my 6 and 7 year old but their dad does not. :-/
Casey says
I help even the odds for my kids to make the healthy choice by giving them gift certificates to a bookstore every time they pass up junk. This way they don’t automatically eat all the empty calories that come their way and don’t feel deprived because they have the choice. I’m looking forward to the end of school testing with all the chips and candy but it does strengthen their prefrontal cortexes every time they say “no thank you.”
Lauren says
Great post – I really appreciate your honesty. I don’t have kids yet, but I find it hard enough to eat healthy for myself sometimes, so I can only imagine how difficult it would be to try and say no for your kids – especially when it’s right there. Don’t beat yourself up over saying yes to donuts & gatorade. If you’re feeding them healthy foods 80% of the time, than their little systems are equipped to handle the other stuff 20% of the time. Working towards having healthier meals & snacks available at schools and on the sidelines seems like an uphill battle, but I think society is becoming more health conscious than ever, so keep advocating for it!
Cory Patterson says
I feed my children as healthily as I can. Fruits, veg, whole grains, lean meats and fish are staples. Sweets are a rare treat. And when my kiddos are out and about, and offered sugary and fatty snacks, I say a hearty “Go for it!” And I do this, not because I want them to eat these foods, but because I don’t want my kids to become THAT KID. You know, the kid that turns up his nose at the lunch being offered at a friend’s house because it isn’t organic. The kid who asks “Does this cake have artificial colors? Because my mom says I can’t eat them because they cause cancer.”
I’ve had THAT KID at my house. I’ve had to cook completely new meals because the lean hot dogs and whole wheat buns I was serving for dinner had “nitrates” and THAT KID didn’t want to eat it. I’ve had to plan additional dessert options at my son’s birthday party so that there was something besides the Red Velvet (food coloring) cake that he requested so that I could feed THAT KID (who would have politely refused the red velvet cake and then sat there, miserable, as all the other kids ended up with red-food-coloring faces and fingers.)
My concern is that we pass on our food beliefs to our children and in the process create little organic monsters. Kids who are too good for the foods being offered them by anyone other than their parents. Kids that are “above” the food being served at other people’s houses. Kids that are condescending to the choices that other parents and families make. It’s so easy to feel judged where food is concerned. And I want my kids to know that what is right for us at home isn’t what is right for everyone. I want them to be welcomed and loved at their friends’ houses. And I DON’T want them to become THAT KID.
So they eat the junky snacks with gusto, and I smile all the while.
Sally says
This made me laugh, Cory. And believe me, I needed a good laugh after today. I believe you’ve created another archetype: THAT Kid! So funny.
eila says
i’m totally with you…. i do what i can to provide healthy, kid-friendly options (fruit skewers, hand held veggies, low-sugar crunchy cereals, homemade smoothies, etc) when i’m on snack duty…. but i kind of feel like you need to model good behavior and let for children make choices. modeling good healthy eating at home is my goal.
Sally says
I agree, Eila. I’m sure we all model good behavior and choices at home–but as you said, we do need to let children make choices sometimes. And sometimes they will make an unhealthy choice. I think that’s okay. But it doesn’t sound like everyone agrees! 🙂
Stacy Whitman says
Jessie – I have the same problem. My efforts are constantly being undermined by my husband (who apparently thinks a donut, French fries and Gatorade is an acceptable lunch) and my family (breakfast = chocolate milk and a donut). I often feel like the burden of making sure that my kids eat well falls entirely on me. I always feel so grateful when someone (whether another parent or a family member) makes an effort to provide nutritious food. Sally, maybe sometime you can weigh in on what to do about other people doling out treats all the time…?!?
PadmajaS says
My strategy is to feed them a large portion of healthy foods before we leave home, and in the car on the way to where ever we are going. My sons, who are 5 and 6, are better equipped to make choices when they are full (just like their parents!). Surprisingly, sometimes, they do turn down the doughnuts, and my older son reads all the ingredients and says no “thank you”. I do understand the social nature of food, and don’t want them to feel deprived. But I worry about this self deprivation, sometimes.
Jane says
I really appreciate this post. I only have one question. Why say no to the Capri Sun? It’s without high fructose corn syrup and I find it’s an ok option to someone else bringing some dollar-store juice box.
Or did you use it as an example?
Just curious…
Sally says
Jane–Thanks for your comment. My opinion is that juice boxes/pouches of any kind don’t belong on the sidelines. All kids need to be drinking during and after sports is water (the American Academy of Pediatrics recently made a statement about this). Even though Capri Sun doesn’t have high fructose corn syrup, it’s still full of sugar. And some sugar is okay, I just find it to be an unnecessary source of calories for the kids (and expense for parents) at sports games.
Emily Guy Birken says
I struggle with the “scarcity” consciousness about treats in myself–probably because I was a chubby kid who was sometimes told (and generally not by my parents) I couldn’t have a treat while my skinny sister was allowed to chow down on it. So treats became a forbidden fruit that I had to grab while I could. I’m 33 years old, and I still struggle with the sense of “Ooh, gotta grab that donut before they take them away!” So I agree that you can’t be the parent who says no when everyone else is having a donut. That’s a way to make sweets more tempting to your child. And asking your child to have self discipline based on nutritional needs that most adults don’t completely understand is ridiculous. We need to make it easy to eat well for everyone.
Sally says
Thanks for this perspective, Emily. I agree that we can’t expect kids to have this sort of self discipline. I echo what another commenter said about boys being bottomless pits. I have two bottomless pits at home! My older boy (7) understands quite a bit about nutrition but he still gets excited about things like soda or cookies when we’re out–I don’t think that means I’m failing him in the nutrition education department. It just means he’s 7 and is figuring everything out.
Christine says
I’m in the same boat. The last time we brought snack for my 4-year-old’s soccer team, it was at 8:30 am, so I packed apple slices, half a mini whole wheat bagel with cream cheese, and one of those juice-flavored water pouches in a paper bag. I figured individual bags would make it more “special” for the kids, but didn’t hear any reaction to it reported from my husband. I let my kids (the other parents know my 2-year-old is there, and are nice enough to offer him something, too) have the snack(s) and drink, though I have been known to tell them to save something for later once we get to the car if they get fruit snacks AND chips or cookies, and they are usually okay with that.
I fight the battle, too, not with my husband, thankfully, but with our families, on what is or is not okay to give them. We’re resigned to the fact that when we are with them, the kids are going to get junk, but draw the line at giving them soda and thirds (thirds!) of dessert, which have been a real source of grief and quasi-ridicule. Thankfully, my oldest has *some* self-control and will say when she’s had enough (she reads the labels on our food to make sure there is no hfcs…hopefuly, her baby sister follows suit), but I think boys are bottomless pits, and will take mass quantities of anything offered, especially if they are only two. They also know to be gracious and never turn their noses up at food that is provided by someone else.
Cory…bless you! I think I’d stop inviting that kid. My sister once had a birthday party for one of her children outside of home with a girl who requested something special. Her parents picked what to let her eat once the child got there, then my sis found out that the girl had already been fed before going (when her dad came to pick her up early and asked that it be boxed to take home. She hadn’t touched it). Yowza.
bw1 says
“But there’s one mom I can’t be. ”
WON’T be. That’s your choice. It has consequences. Live with them.
“I worry that excluding my kids that way–forbidding them to join the fray–is potentially more damaging than the hydrogenated fats and high fructose corn syrup.”
That concern is misguided. You’re their PARENT, not their pal. Your JOB is to say no, over and over again, until they learn to do it themselves.
“Instead, they will be thinking this: “It’s. Not. Fair!”
Because NO child has EVER said THAT before, right? If your child never rails against the supposed injustice of what you impose, then you’re doing the parenting thing wrong.
“That’s why I want this stuff gone from the sidelines completely–so it’s not another battle parents have to fight, ”
Guess what – good parenting always has and will be a series of battles. .
“Believe me, I already say “No” to an awful lot of things. ”
Get used to it. You have many years of saying “no” ahead of you. The two single most important things you can teach your children are impulse control the value of deferred gratification. No, it’s not easy – nothing worthwhile ever is.
“Most adults, with decades’ worth of knowledge and experiences, can’t even do that. ”
Because their parents never taught them.
“And to me, That’s. Not. Fair.”
No, it’s not fair – it’s free. That’s what America is about, freedom. It’s messy, and risky, and not easy if you want to do the right thing. If that is a problem for you, the world is full of countries where freedom is suppressed in the service of someone’s idea of what’s fair. All of them will welcome you with open arms because smart people with valuable skills are fleeing them every day, but that should be a warning to be careful what you wish for.
Gina says
While I’d rather not be the parent who denies her children of every guilty pleasure of childhood, these scenarios present themselves too often to not have some scrutiny. Between school activities, birthday parties, sports and playdates, my kids are faced with choices more than a handful of times each week.
Since they were each five years old, they’ve known what’s off-limits due to food sensitivities (dairy) and other reactions (artificial food dyes). I’ve never had to remind them. If we know about a “treat” event ahead of time (and all class parents know about their food restrictions) , we bring them a similar, “safe” treat of their own. My son’s room parent goes the extra mile to bring safe treats so that every child can participate and not feel left out. She’s a rock star room parent though and I know that most aren’t like this.
For sports activities, we suggest that each family brings their own so that we don’t have to deal with food allergies or parents who think that donuts or whoopie pies are an acceptable after-spot treat. It’s the easiest way to handle those situations.
As I said, I don’t want to be that parent and thankfully I don’t have to be. My kids have never felt deprived thanks to early education and extra effort on our part. They’re worth it, to us at least.
Dina Rose says
I think that it’s wrong to pitch this debate as all or nothing – either give in to the junk or be the parent who denies kids. I wrote about this yesterday on my blog, by coincidence. I think parents should start teaching kids at a very young age how to make choices about sweets and treats. This is not restriction, it’s teaching limits and self-control. It’s the middle ground of parenting where we work with our kids instead of imposing rules. Sally, I’d love your feedback because I know how long and thoroughly you’ve thought about this issue: http://itsnotaboutnutrition.squarespace.com/home/2012/5/15/kid-eats-qa-whats-a-soccer-mom-to-do-about-snacks.html
Dina
Sally says
Dina–I’m writing about my own experience at soccer games and how I respond to crappy snacks at those games (which thankfully hasn’t happened in a couple of seasons since we’re now doing all fruit). I don’t think writing about my own philosophy for handling junk food with my son at soccer games is wrong. I’m presenting my opinion and how I handle this one, specific moment. For some reason, this has been misconstrued by many others to mean I let my kids have free reign over junk food everywhere we go. The whole point of this post was to explain that I don’t want to say NO to soccer snacks all the time or “give in” to soccer snacks (ie: give my kid the choice–and he is going to choose the junk food, believe me). So I actively changed what was offered. I worked for this change because I don’t want to be saying NO every Saturday or giving my child the choice and watching him ruin his lunch every Saturday for 8 weeks. I feel that somehow that has gotten lost in this whole debate. Now that my son’s soccer and t-ball teams are fruit-and-water or no snack, I’m not faced with this anymore–and neither are any of the other parents. Now every game doesn’t have to be a teaching moment about junk food or a grin-and-bear-it moment. The availability of healthy food has taken that away and it’s an enormous relief.
Brenda Thompson says
Oh, I am so with you on that sometimes difficult balance between talking the talk then walking the walk. I think the takeawy here is that when parents bring healthy snacks like fruit the kids gobble them up just as readily as the junkier snacks. So, while I agree that snacks after sports games are generally unnecessary altogether (b/c our games are usually in between breakfast and lunch anyway!) if we can at least encourage parents to bring HEALTHIER options that is better than nothing.
One thing that often gets overlooked also is the expense for these snacks that so many parents feel we need to have. Last time I bought snacks for my daughter’s sports team I spent almost $25 on snacks for 9 players. I had a drink, apple slices and cheese crackers. That’s kind of a crazy extra expense IMO!
Carrie says
Since that is my kid’s picture garnishing the Pringles & Gatorade it’s obvious that I’m also having a hard time being the Mom that says no on the sidelines.
It’s one thing to be the parent bringing healthy treats… it’s a whole other thing to be the parent denying your child the unhealthy treat that everyone else is so gleefully enjoying.
I feel pretty confident that I’m not the only Mom on the sideline who’s kid is more thrilled about the game snack than the actual game. So I’m just going to sit back & be happy for him during this fleeting period of kiddie sports… whether it’s grapes or fruit snacks, he’s seriously thrilled & I’m going to have fun right along with him.
Jeanne @JollyTomato says
Thanks for posting this. Yes, yes, and yes. I agree that I don’t want to be the mom who tells her kids that they have to be the only one who can’t have donuts. And at the same time, I don’t want to be the only mom who brings water and apples when everyone else is bringing donuts and fruit chews. Do they really even need snacks? Probably not. We drew the line when my son had a 4pm to 5pm practice and moms were organizing to bring post-practice snacks. That’s dinnertime, people! It’s OK for them to be a little bit hungry at mealtime; then they’re more likely to eat the good stuff.
Whew – Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Great post!
courtney says
I was relieved when our baseball coach indicated he would rather not have a ‘snack schedule’. He finds the snacks distracting from the game/practice/coaching. Some kids more excited for snacks/treats than the activity at hand. It is nice to just worry about our own snacks (or treats depending on the day), rather than everyone else. Saves worry, money and time.
Juli says
Great article. I couldn’t agree with you more. On that note teach our children whlie they are young so when they have to make those choices as they become teenagers its not eat it all because I could never have it as a kid. Believe me it will happen my boys are 20,16 &10.
Eliza says
Don’t be THAT mom. I am a Girl Scout leader and I almost always bring a snack and drink that I pay for out of my own pocket. We had a morning field trip. I made muffins and brought bottled water. Because the girls complain that they don’t want plain water I brought Crystal Light Pure flavoring packets. As I handed them out to the girls, the other driver (who arrived 15 minutes after we were supposed to leave) announces that the girls in her car can’t have them because they cause brain tumors and cancer. I wasn’t aware that Stevia was a carcinogen. I was so angry that she accused me of trying to give the girls cancer right in front of them. Feed your kid breakfast before you come or bring your own snacks next time! P.S. – At the next field trip the same mom let her obese daughter eat an entire box of fudge.
carolyn says
I am new to your blog. Keep up the good work. I am sorry to say that I completely disagree with you on this one. I have been “that mom” for many years. The research is clearly showing that we are doing a terrible job of educating our children about healthy food choices – because we are not making them ourselves! Stand up to that coach! Make waves in the school! Stop this ridiculousness! You will be the mom who “way back before it was cool” said we don’t put garbage into our bodies!! Trust me, your kids will love you for it – and they will you never regret the missed Capri Sun.
Sally says
Hi Carolyn–thanks for your comment. Since you’re new to my blog, you likely haven’t read my previous posts about sports snacks. I’ve been campaigning for a fruit-and-water-only snack policy in my community for the past year and have tried to spread the word on a national level as well with my posts and with a video/slideshow I created to increase awareness. You can find that here: https://www.realmomnutrition.com/2012/03/05/soccer-mom-on-a-mission-the-music-video/
Hopefully you’ll stick around and learn more about me–looking forward to hearing more from you!
thehealthyapron says
I LOVE this topic and I know it’s one that I will struggle with soon (due with my first in July). I worry about the same things but I don’t want to be overly restrictive (much like you). You’re right, if someone offers a 3 yr old a donut…most likely it looks good and they want it. Nothing more. Hopefully though, your positive healthy influence will stay with them through adulthood, to make healthy choices on their own. For now, keep fighting for FRUIT AND WATER for snacks! I think it’s great!
MeghanM says
I’m a dietitian and feel the same as you about this topic. We offer whole foods at home and when my first was very young, I didn’t want him to have any junk food, EVER. Quickly, I realized this would lead to far too many battles to fight. We have enough battles to fight as parents in this world and we need to prioritize. I agree that the whole sports snack issue is an important battle to fight. My 7 year old was given a blue drink and cookies at 10AM after a game last Spring, but I let him have it. I’ll say “No” when it comes to fighting with his brothers or showing disrespect to others, but to a junky snack after a baseball game? I’m not fighting that battle in that moment. However, when it was our turn to provide a snack we did sliced fruit , string cheese, and water. My kids know the difference between junk and good food and they choose the good stuff at home and are really excited when they are treated to junk otherwise. And you know what? I’m the same way. I’ve learned moderation by being raised the same way by my Mom. I’m not worried about my kids. I’m worried about the rest of them!
Amy says
My favorite day was one my daughter got sick from a can of Sprite. Okay, not my favorite. And she wasn’t sick sick. Just a little uncomfortable. We won! 🙂
At my sons moms’ basketball meeting, I tried to ditch snacks. I lost. I took bananas and 100% juice. Also? I hate Gatorade.
PS- just discovered your blog. Loving it!
Susan says
I’m fine being that mom. I have one child with a dairy allergy and none of us eat dairy. We don’t eat meat or eggs either.
I bring cupcakes for them to other kids’ birthday parties and we take food or eat before we go to most things. Everything is always covered in ranch, or cheese, it seems… so I find it easier to eat first.
It mortifies my husband, but I’m okay with it.
Amelia says
Amen! Love this candid post.
Sally says
Thanks Amelia! Happy to find your site, looking forward to reading it.
Moira Blitzstein says
I appreciated this article and all the comments to it. I think it’s an important topic and a difficult one to navigate.
I guess I am that mom, but my kids aren’t that kid.
My children politely accept any snack that’s offered then they show it to me before giving it away. I then make sure to provide them with an equally special snack that is made with real ingredients. I supply school teachers and piano teachers with bags of organic candy to hand out to my children instead of the typical stuff.
I do this when the bank teller hands them a lollipop, the PTA hands out freezer pops, the brownie mom brings bright colored bakery items. I even do it on Halloween.
The only exception to this rule is when my children are dining in another’s home. I teach them that they are allowed to eat anything offered when visiting friends or relatives.
They probably do feel a little funny at times but so do the kids with food sensitivities, allergies and illnesses that prevent them from enjoying the same treat as others.I see those kids and parents as allies.
Learning to be strong in principle without offending others is a great, great skill. I enjoy knowing that my kids have opportunities to practice that as children.
Fruit and water at Tball sounds great!