What is with these parents?
That’s what I keep coming back to, in my fight to bring healthier snacks to the sidelines of my community’s soccer and t-ball fields. Why are so many moms and dads not only disinterested in discussing a change in policy but also downright angry about it? Angry like I’m taking away one of their basic rights (the right to bear Ritz Bits). Angry like I’m threatening to come into their houses and take away all of their potato chips forever.
The parents on my son’s teams have been wonderful (and not for nothing, but the kids have been delighted with the fruit).
But the push-back I’m hearing about from parents on other teams–and the stories I hear from so many of you–have shocked me: Mom who suggest healthy snacks and are ostracized by the other parents, who receive nasty emails telling them to lighten up.
Why is this issue so divisive?
Recently, my friend Vicki Glembocki wrote a piece for Philadelphia Magazine called “Food Nazis Invade First Grade”, about what happened when her daughter’s school banned cupcakes.
Vicki chronicles the hilarious madness (including moms going rogue) that ensued. And at the end of the piece, she beautifully sums up her own uneasiness with the no-cupcake mandate:
This new food policy messed with my image of the parent I wanted to be. It took away one of the opportunities I had to ensure that in 33 or so years, my kid might look back and think that I wasn’t just a hag who screamed at her every 13 seconds to brush her teeth and find her shoes and practice her spelling words and stop hitting her sister, which is how I spend 99 percent of my time. Or at least it feels that way.
Sending in birthday treats, or banana bread for the Friendship Feast, made me feel like a good mom. Maybe just for that day. And when Blair opened her shoebox, those cookies said, “See, kid, you are special to me. See, I’m not so bad after all. See, we baked these together and painted them with icing made from egg whites, which will probably send three of your classmates into anaphylactic shock, but … well … see?”
Something clicked for me when I read Vicki’s words because it just might explain why reactions to the issue of sports snacks have frequently become so emotional, instead of rational: Because, as Vicki says, these policies interfere with the moms we imagined we’d be. And those moms brought cupcakes (or donuts or cookies or Capri Suns) that we thought made our kids feel loved. Maybe because our own mothers did the same thing for us. Or maybe because they didn’t.
Another “Aha!” from Vicki’s piece (which generated its own share of angry comments online, like this zinger: “Must be nice to get paid for spreading your IGNORANCE.”) was that we really, really need to keep hate and unkindness out of this debate.
If you liked Vicki’s piece and want another absorbing read, check out her book The Second Nine Month: One Woman Tells the Real Truth About Becoming a Mom. Finally. You will laugh, cry, relate–and be thankful that someone else felt exactly the same way you did.
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But the people who are offering treats to the other kids are taking away the “rights” of the parents who are avoiding sugar, processed foods, dyes and animal products. If you are not sensitive to it, it is painful to tell someone what they can and cannot feed their child at an event. Those parents need to keep people like me, who has to tell my daughter “No” everywhere due to a medical condition. She did not do anything to deserve this condition (nor did I) but I break her heart every few days when someone offers her food that she cannot eat. Shame on the parents for thinking they are good parents for feeding their kids cupcakes. If that is how you base parenting, you are falling short. Food is to nurish the body, not the spirit. Maybe that is the problem we should start with first.
…needs to think of people like me…
no one need to think of people like you, you’re doing plenty of that for yourself. My job is to bring a snack (usually healthy, but sometimes not) and OFFER it up. It is ALWAYS a parent’s right to say ‘no thank you’. I do it all the time as we are not a juice family. That is the decision I’ve made for my family and thus it is my job to enforcer that. Please don’t blame other parents for your having to deal with your child’s medical issues. I feel for you, but maybe not as much as I would have without this post.
Vicki’s article is a hilarious and realistic look at what is happening with our kids. Thanks for sharing! There are many ways to walk a moderate line and many disagreements ensue, that is for sure!
You might be interested in our upcoming webinar for RDs looking at the many reasons that people choose food (research from Edelman PR found 9 main factors) and how to create strategies for dealing with them. http://www.dairycouncilofca.org/HealthProfessionals/EducationCenter/2012webinar.aspx
“Shame on the parents for thinking they are good parents for feeding their kids cupcakes. If that is how you base parenting, you are falling short. ”
I guess Laura also didn’t agree with Sally’s point about keeping hate and unkindness out of this debate.
Yes, let’s keep these comments civil and respectful. In no way did I mean this post as a criticism to Vicki or anyone who shares her opinion of wanting to be the mom who brings cupcakes because that’s the vision of the mom she thought she’d be. If it comes across that way, I didn’t do my job as a writer.
almost every 5 year old at flag football had a bottle of gaterade with them, seriously, they are 5 and not running 5 miles. what about just reugular water, i doubt they are losing that many electorlytes that they need to replenish! some people just relly dont think about what they are giving their 40 pound kid!
When a parent tries to ‘ban’ a sweet snack from a school or sports facility, the back lash is huge. But when an authority figure, like a principal or coach, or sports facility director, lays down the law, the parents have to comply. There may be grumbling but in essence it’s the only way. I would say get to the top and try to make the changes start there. It does work.
This sugary snack obsession drives me nuts. I try to bring healthy snacks to soccer practice but my kids are mortified that I’m doing something different and the other parents are less than enthusiastic, too. You’re definitely on to something here. It was my mom who pointed out that sugar is a drug and addicts don’t like to use alone. When we load our kids up sugar we do it because we think we’re being a loving parent, but we’re really sharing the high. Definitely an “aha” moment for me.
I find that the problem tends to revolve around people being uneducated – not stupid or ignorant or neglectful of their childrens’ needs. I don’t find that judgment or criticism is particularly helpful with the issue, and at the end of the day we must allow people to parent their children as they see fit. And… at times we have to loosen the reigns a little no matter how much it hurts! We can’t force our beliefs on others – just like they can’t force theirs on us. I believe wholeheartedly in moderation. My daughter is allowed the occasional cupcake, ice cream, hot dog, etc… even though those aren’t my favorite food items. We bake at home quite frequently, and today she had whole grain oil-free zucchini banana bread for breakfast, but sometimes we allow cupcakes.
Laura- You are mistaken when you say food is for nourishment of the body and not the spirit. Food is very much an emotional nourishment. Have you never heard the phrase “comfort food”?
There is almost a complete lack of knowledge inherent in our culture about proper nutrition and what improper nutrition can do to our bodies.. not until one has lost and then regained their health (as I have) can someone truly see how very important nutrition is. I do understand about the treat thing I do- but an athletic event is not the place for a treat (as a former college athlete I can tell you bad nutrition hampers recovery) and the classroom is not the best place for the sort of stuff that shows up.. in our previous school district there is a ban against homemade treats!! so everyone shows up with super crappy cupcakes from the grocery store bakery. Full of artificial dyes and non food ingredients. THIS makes me steaming mad..
My daughter chose the Dr Pepper hat (that she gave to her grandpa) instead of the candy she was offered as a reward at school for something academic related- she is 10 and is very smart but has several learning disorders including a very slow processing speed that makes making good choices quickly hard. She makes good decisions a lot- but why should she have to?.. I wish I could homeschool- we’ve tried (TWICE as it was my dream since she was born) but her slow speed combined with ADHD learning from my super-processing ADHD is a BAD combo…
My husband and I try to be health conscious. even though I do love cupcakes… I don’t ever remember bringing them to a Soccer field when my kids played. We were always asked to bring orange slices and water.so when I think back I fel good.
This reminds me of when I was sent a party request for my son’s classroom Valentine’s party. They wanted M & Ms for a bingo game and I responded to the mom that I would be sending in raisins. She replied to me that she didn’t think that was a good idea because the kids would be “sad.” It is sad that our kids have to associate unhealthy food with celebrations.
I struggle with the poor choices at my children’s sports games. I just taught a class to my daughter’s soccer team about nutrition and made them some healthy snacks and sent the recipes home with their parents. I’ve gotten great feedback that the girls are making wiser choices, and teaching their parents better options and telling them what not to buy! Kids want to eat well, but they must learn how! I am a health coach and work with families to help them incorporate healthier habits. You can find me here http://www.facebook.com/eattothrive
Awesome post here and a very good point on a few fronts. I get so frustrated with my children’s elementary school and the snack policies. I don’t mind cupcakes for birthdays, or the occasional treat. If it’s your child’s birthday, by all means, send in something fun!
But I also understand the frustration of the parents who deal with food allergies or sensitivities. I’m not going to send in Vegan cupcakes or gluten free cupcakes if I bake them, and that might cause a problem for one child. But those problems run both ways. Just like that gluten free child has to miss out on food because of their condition, sometimes MY child has to miss out on something THEY love (peanut butter) because they have a classmate who is allergic.
You simply do the best you can do.
My bigger frustration comes when the class has a snack policy that requires each child to bring a snack for the entire class one day a month. The policy says to bring “healthy” options. In an average month, that means pudding, Little Debbies, Donuts, Cupcakes and any number of other things. Oh and snack time is 60 minutes before lunch. How often do you think my daughter eats her lunch an hour after downing a package of Swiss Cake Rolls?
My daughter has chosen to take Clementines in as her class snack for the last two months. She’s up again in two days, so I have to see tonight what she wants. I try to gently guide her toward fun, but healthy options and we talk a lot at home about making good food choices. I guess for me it’s more common sense. Let’s make treats TREATS and help kids understand the concept of a sometimes food.
When my son was younger & played little league the snacks brought in were awful. Since my son did not get that kind of food at home he never took the doritos, etc because they tasted bad to him (not used to the salty processed flavor) so I didn’t make a big deal about. He asked for water & didn’t want the gatorade, because again the sugary artificial tasting stuff was not in his normal palate. He is now in high school & now continues makes the good choices on his own. I gave him a good foundation when he was young, but didn’t make it a big thing. I didn’t make him feel like he couldn’t have it…just that we “chose” not like those types of food. I would make the analogy that you couldn’t put water into a car & expect it to run…..same thing goes for our body, it needs to receive the proper fuel to function & grow. Thankfully this has worked well for me.
As a mother of a daughter who is severly allergic to peanuts (anaphylactic), I can tell you that it is far more painful for the parents of those kids who have to keep telling them “no you can’t enjoy the class party treats” “no that’s not safe” “no it has a warning”. To repeatedly see their disappointment. Their feeling of being left-out, over and over again.
Just because you can’t bring a cupcake doesn’t mean you can’t have FUN with healthy foods. I prove it every single day on my blog and in my own daughter’s life. Just recently they had a “good for me foods party” – instead of a cupcake, take the time to make fruit fun! (See this: http://instagr.am/p/JXGIL0sOnH/ )
I completely understand the *want* to provide something *special* – to feel like a “good mom”, but it doesn’t have to be obtained at the LIFE of my own daughter.
My daughter and I spend time in the kitchen together baking, decorating, educating on a weekly basis. We’re creating memories at home! We don’t *need* to do that by showing off at school or sporting events with an unhealthy snack. I would not object is her school was to impose a no cupcake or sweets policy. I’d applaud them for caring for our children’s health.
I think that teaching our kids life-long heathy eating habits is an essential part of being a responsible parent, especially in the current environment full of cheap calories with little nutritive value. Feeding them treats and snacks is NOT the only way to show our love. Teaching them how to survive in this “fast-food” world instead of creating and strengthening the link between certain foods and emotions is what will keep them from emotional eating and eating disorders so prevalent now among adults.
Watching family members with diabetes struggle to change their eating habits made me realize that I needed to find an alternative way to raise my kids. Instead of having fun baking treats together, we go on bike rides, rock climb and play.