I don't typically take pictures of my kids during dinner, but I needed photographic proof of this great turnaround. Sure, he didn't touch the asparagus, but Sam happily ate his chicken and pasta.
My mother-in-law has a game she plays with the grandkids when they won’t eat their dinner. “Don’t you eat that broccoli!” she’ll warn in a voice that somehow straddles stern and silly. “Don’t you eat it!” First, the kids giggle hilariously. Then they eat the broccoli.
Frankly, I used to think it was all sort of ridiculous. Until I had kids of my own and started doing ridiculous things all the time.
At some point recently, likely out of desperation, we started playing this game with Sam. Because he’s a rather contrarian kid, who delights in doing exactly the opposite of what we want him to do, it went over like gangbusters. And with every bite he put in his mouth, my husband and I exchanged a look that said, “Really? It’s that easy?”
And while Sam’s been eating a lot more than usual, it’s all felt a bit like cheating–so I asked food sociologist Dr. Dina Rose for her take. Thankfully, she gave our dinner game the green light. “Kids like to play and interact with their parents, even while eating,” she explains. “Dinner is inherently boring for kids, especially grown-up conversation.”
Caveat #1: The motivation for playing the game should be to engage and have fun with Sam–not to persuade him to eat one more bite, says Dr. Rose. And yes, our game started out as a trick to get him to eat. But lately, it’s become something else entirely. We don’t initiate the “don’t-you-eat-that” game. Sam now begs us to play it. He even gives us our lines. “Tell me not to eat this delicious growing food!” he’ll say.
Caveat #2: Our game shouldn’t dominate dinner. “You shouldn’t have to play this game every night,” says Dr. Rose. “Your quality of life matters too.” When the game becomes grating, we should tell Sam we’ll play it four times, then we’re going to eat our meal. After all, she says, Sam needs to learn the conventional rules of mealtime and conversation. “If you let Sam be in charge of the meal by getting all the attention, you’re teaching him that you’ll do anything to get him to eat. Then he has all the power.”
Two more strategies we’ve tried with success:
1. Less is more. When Dr. Rose saw my before-and-after shots of Sam’s plate, she suggested I start putting less food on his plate, like just two bites of fish and one bite of broccoli. “When he looks surprised, tell him that he doesn’t seem to want to eat too much dinner so you want to respect that,” she says. Of course, I should also assure him that if he wants more, all he has to do is ask and I’ll get it for him. “This technique will instantly change the dynamic at dinner, and many kids respond very positively to it.”
I tried this with Sam at lunch one day, putting just two bites of sandwich on his plate. And just as Dr. Rose predicted, he was surprised. And when he finished his two bites, he asked for some more.
2. Dessert with dinner. Brace yourself for this one because it can be tough to swallow. This strategy comes from the Division of Responsibility playbook. The rationale: If you want to defuse the power of dessert, don’t make it the grand finale. Because when kids know there’s dessert coming, they rush through dinner to get there, without listening to their cues of hunger or fullness.
I tried this one night when a neighbor brought over a plate of fabulous chocolate cupcakes. They were in plain sight on the counter during dinner (my mistake) and Sam couldn’t stop asking for one. So I put one next to each kids’ plate of food. Henry ate his in three bites and continued with his dinner. Sam took one bite, decided he didn’t actually like the frosting, and turned back to his dinner food.
You can read some more dessert strategies from Dr. Rose here and here.
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Silly games work for sure! I, too, have found myself doing ridiculous things to encourage good manners and appetites at the table with my two-year-old twins. And Ellyn Satter’s dessert with dinner has always worked for us too when we use it — much in the way you describe — sometimes a few bites, sometimes the whole thing, but always in conjunction with the other food in front of them.
Oh boy, I needed this right now! My 2-yr-old (a red-headed Henry, in fact) was an amazing eater until about 3 months ago when suddenly anything with onions was untouchable, and each food on his plate was scrutinized to death and left untouched. It’s so hard to not have an agenda! We hadn’t tried any eating games or rewards yet b/c I always assumed it crossed DOR lines, but I’m glad to know they have a place, if used appropriately! I just recently found your site, and love it!!
It IS so hard to not have an agenda! Dinner games really clicked for Sam, and I agree, it was nice to hear from Dr. Rose that they have their place at the dinner table.
And believe me, there are certainly still nights that Sam doesn’t eat much of anything at dinner. I am learning that he does better at lunchtime. So if he’s had a good lunch and a healthy snack in the afternoon, I try not to stress too much if he doesn’t eat much dinner. Thanks for reading!
My favorite dinner game growing up was passed down from my grandmother. When my mother and her sisters were little, Grandma would “worry” aloud that the Appelbaum’s cat (the neighbor cat) would come along and steal the food. She’d look in one direction to see if she could see that sneaky cat, and ask the girls to look in other directions. Then she’d be so surprised when the “cat” managed to get past all of them.
My mother would play the same game with me, but we didn’t have a neighborhood cat to blame. She’d make up different animals who might sneak in to eat our food.
Love that story Emily! Thanks for sharing. Kids love to play games–and it makes dinner time more pleasant when everyone is giggling. 🙂
I’ve been having a horrible time getting B to eat reasonably.
Tip #2 has been game changing.
Thanks.
We have been telling our 2 year old that WE are going to eat ALLLLLL her yummy beans (or chicken, or whatever item she is avoiding). We’ll even go as far as to take a bite of her food on our own fork and aim it towards our mouth. She will protest “Please do not eat MY beans, Mommy!” and then suddenly she wants to eat them. 🙂 We try not to wear out the game, but I’d say this works about 80% of the time! We also have gotten into the habit of throwing whatever she has a hard time eating on the plates FIRST, then when she’s about halfway through that, put the chicken nuggets or corn (or whatever we know she loves) on her plate after. I’m not sure if that’s the best way to go about it, but she will eat veggies that way, for the most part.
We’re definitely going to try the game of “you BETTER NOT eat those beans!” next time!!
Sarah–sounds like you’re having fun at the table and not putting pressure on your daughter, which is great! 🙂